Tonight I received a call from the bio. We haven't had much communication with her lately...just by email. She called to wish the kids a Merry Christmas. It was good to hear from her.

There is one lingering worry though. She was crying after talking to the kids. She has not done that before that I can recall. We are five years into this journey so it surprises me. I suppose she might be drinking or using again. I suppose she may not be taking her medication.

Of course the reality of it all is that she misses the children she gave up. She is such a brave woman to be able to say, "I can't do it". "I love my children enough to do what is best for them". It takes incredible strength to do that. I know I couldn't do it.

We do tell our children about her strength and bravery. We tell them about her decision and how they must always love & respect what she was able to do for them.

Still because they are not "adopted" and therefore not legally ours. There is always a fear in the very back of our minds & hearts. There is always a fear in the back of the kids minds & hearts that something will happen to shatter our perfect life.

I know better. She and I are connected. We have been all along.